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Using models to learn and to change

 

Models are key in the understanding of complicated topics.  According to Merriam Webster:

model – a description or analogy used to help visualize something that cannot be directly observed
Source: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/model

Models are often simplified to make understanding the concept easier.  A model is NOT the same as the real thing, merely a representation of it.  In the picture you can see a model of the P51 Mustang American fighter from World War II.  It is a scale model in terms of size.  The model won’t have miniature 50 caliber machine guns, nor will it have a miniature Merlin engine.  If the model is crafted with care it could potentially have similar performance (to scale) as the original.

Reality is more complicated than models, it’s the nature of life.  Models can help you understand concepts more clearly.  Once you understand it more clearly you can then use this as a catalyst for change. Using models allow for better integration of a concept into your life.

I will talk more in future posts about various types of models, but I felt it was important to clearly define what I mean by the word model.  More to come soon.

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Cognitive distortions

We all fall victim to stinking thinking at times.  What’s helpful is to think about your thinking.  What type of distortions, deletions, or generalizations are you making?  Here is a list of cognitive distortions you should be aware of.

•    All-or-nothing thinking – It’s extremely rare for something to be all one thing, or none of another.  The truth lies between these extremes.  Don’t get caught in the trap of “all”, “always”, “every”, “never”, “none”.  Become more nuanced in your thinking and your speech.

•    Overgeneralization – Making a broad statement about a group of things based upon a small sampling.  Look for counter examples.  Hesitate on making judgement.  If you are compelled to judge at least qualify it by saying “in my opinion…”.

•    Magical thinking – Believing in an impossible outcome, or in a sequence of unlikely things coincidentally happening.

•    Mental filter – We all have blind spots where we are unaware.  What do you automatically filter out?

•    Disqualifying the positive – Some people call it pessimism, others call it realism, but is focusing on the negative the best way to look at life?  It’s easy to find fault with perfection.  Example: Buddha is fat, Gandhi walks around half naked, and Jesus needs a haircut.  Let go of the negativity it is not helping you.

•    Jumping to conclusions – Making a judgement before all the facts are in.  These can come in 2 forms:

◦    Mind reading – Assuming you know a person’s thoughts or feelings from their behavior.  If someone turns red while talking, it would be mind reading to infer that the person was mad, as they could be embarrassed.  A better suggestion would be to notice the change in color and ask them what they are feeling or thinking.
◦    Fortune telling – Being inflexible in your expectations and to not be open to other possible outcomes.

•    Magnification and Minimisation – Is this really the worst thing that could ever happen to you?  Don’t over dramatize the happenings in your life.  Observe the world as it is and don’t over or under exaggerate the situation.  This also comes in a special form:

◦    Catastrophizing – Expecting the worst possible result.

•    Emotional reasoning – Identifying yourself as being one with your current feeling.  Example: I am depressed, as opposed to I’m feeling sad and depressed right now.

•    Shoulding – Believing that we are obligated to perform a set of tasks even if they go counter to what would make us happy.

•    Labeling and mislabeling – Labeling things is part of the human experience.  We all use labels to create a “shorthand” way of thinking of things and people.  Labels are limiting only if we buy into them completely.  Labels themselves are not bad in and of themselves, it is our attachment to and our belief in these labels that is bad.  We are more than our labels.  Imagine a student and a teacher crossing a low wooden bridge over a pool of still water.  The teacher can point to her reflection and say “that is me, but I am not it”.

•    Personalization – Taking things personally and believing that things “happened to you”.  Things happened.  Your thoughts about those happenings are what you do, and determine how you feel.

•    Fallacy of fairness – Many of us believe that life should be fair.  Life isn’t fair, life is what life is.  Let go of attachment to the expectation of fairness.  You can hold fairness as an ideal and strive for it in yourself but let go of this expectation in others.  Be delighted when others are fair, but don’t become bitter when they are not.

•    Blaming – Holding other people responsible for my feelings and my situation.  Life is 10% what happened to me, and 90% of my relation to and reaction to the situation.  Take your power back and don’t blame others.

•    Fallacy of permanence – The only constant in life is change.  Wherever you are and whatever you are feeling will pass.  Like the old proverb “This too shall pass.”  Let go of your attachment to the desire of things staying the same.

•    Always being right – There is another old adage about this: “Is it better to be right, or to be happy?”.  I agree in a general sense that truth is better than falsehood, but it is only one measure.  Have a more balanced metric of the following 4 questions: 1) is it true? 2) is it kind? 3) is it necessary? 4) is it humble?  If you answer no to any of these questions then keep your comments and your help to yourself.  Once you practice this with your speech and your actions you will begin to see these questions need to apply to your thoughts as well.

Are you ready to let go of your attachment to your cognitive distortions?  I hope so.

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12 Things to DO to Reduce Anxiety

I am not a doctor nor do I play one on TV.  If a doctor has prescribed anti-anxiety medication then by all means follow the doctor’s orders.

Anxiety can be strong and difficult to combat.  In a prior post I told you the 7 things you can consume to help anxiety.  Here are some actions you can take to help reduce anxiety.  Be brave and act!

  1. Accept and let go.  Often what we resist persists.  If you fight and argue with reality you will lose 100% of the time.  Accept your present moment.  You can have a positive intention for a better future moment, but you have to accept what is right here and now.
  2. Acknowledge anxiety and recognize it will pass.  Accept the reality of the present moment that you are anxious, but this moment will pass.
  3. Get regular and adequate sleep.  The brain needs adequate sleep to refresh itself.  If you are not getting enough sleep you are making your brain work harder than it needs to.  Don’t oversleep though.  Most people can thrive on 7-9 hours of sleep a night.  This may not be realistic for all of you, but I would suggest you at least give it a try.
  4. Breathe slowly and deeply.  When we breathe rapidly and shallowly our emotions follow our physiology: shallow and rapid is the flight or fight response.  By breathing slowly and deeply you will be more calm.
  5. Practice gratitude.  Be grateful for the things you already have in your life.  Be grateful for living another day.  Be grateful the sun rose this morning.  When you are grateful your perception changes dramatically.
  6. Progressive muscle relaxation.  Often when we are tense and anxious we hold that anxiety as tightness in our bodies.  Change your physiology and your emotions will change.
  7. Yoga.  An ancient practice that connects the mind and the body.  Yoga and its associated poses requires focus, which brings you into the present moment.
  8. Exercise.  Getting your heart rate up will improve your overall health.  Exercise releases powerful neurotransmitters which can change how your brain functions.
  9. Change your focus to what is right in front of you.  When the weight of the world are on our shoulders, when we carry the regrets of yesterday, and the worries of tomorrow it is too much for most people to bear.  Let that go and focus on the here and now.
  10. Question your worries and anxieties.  We often fall into traps of stinking thinking.  Question your thoughts as your thoughts may be your own worst enemy.
  11. Practice mindfulness. Typically through meditation but more importantly to focus on the present moment and to be fully engaged in it.
  12. Declutter your home and your place of work.  A cluttered physical environment can create comparable clutter in your mind. You will be amazed what a clean environment will do for you!

And there you go.  I hope this helps you.  Again I am not an expert on anxiety, I merely share what has worked for me.  Try each of these on for size and see if they are true for you as well.

 

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7 things to CONSUME to reduce anxiety

Anxiety is a pretty formidable foe.  To have success in managing anxiety you often have to do different things, think different thoughts, take medication, and even change your diet.  I have had some pretty intense episodes of anxiety including having had a full blown panic attack.  If a doctor has prescribed medication for you then you should adhere to the doctor’s advice.

There are however things you can change in your diet that may have a major impact on your anxiety.  Here are things that you can eat or drink to reduce your anxiety.  I can personally attest to the benefit of these as it is very rare for me to have anxiety.

  1. Magnesium supplements.  I would suggest a magnesium complex supplement (several different magnesium compounds) vs a single type of magnesium compound as our bodies differ and one compound may work better for you than another.  Take between 100% and 300% of the USRDA.  Mega doses of vitamins and minerals can put a major strain on your body.  I would suggest that you start of at 100% and take that for 3 days and see how that helps or hinders your anxiety.  Next 200% for 3 days.  Same exercise: help or hinder your anxiety.  Lastly 300% for 3 days, same drill of help/hinder.  Warning: at higher doses it may make your stools soft.  For me personally 300% was too much as I was encountering that side effect.  I dropped down to 200% magnesium USRDA and no side effects with positive impact on my anxiety.  For a study please read:     https://bebrainfit.com/magnesium-anxiety-stress/
  2. Water.  An adult human’s weight is between 65 and 75% water.  Keeping hydrated is very important to health, especially brain health.  The recommended 8 cups of water is not an adequate amount of water for most people.  A better guideline is based upon your body weight.  Take your weight in pounds and divide in half.  That resulting number is the minimum number of fluid ounces of plain water you should be drinking.  Assuming you weigh 200 pounds that would equate to 100 fluid ounces of water, which is significantly more than the recommended 64 ounces.  If you exercise vigorously, live in an arid environment, take medications that are diuretic or drink caffeinated beverages then you should drink more water.  I wouldn’t recommend going beyond your body weight.  In the example above of a 200 pound man they shouldn’t exceed 200 fluid ounces of water.  Warning: drinking too much water too quickly can get your electrolytes out of balance and could even be lethal.  I wouldn’t recommend that you drink more than 20 ounces of water in a single hour.
  3. Omega 3 fatty acids.  The brain is predominantly made up of water and fat.  Omega 3 fatty acids are the building blocks for the body to make essential fat that is in the brain.  I take 2 capsules daily: fish oil; and flaxseed oil.  They contain different fatty acids and I’d prefer to cover as many bases as possible.  Note: at this comparatively low dose you should not get the “fish oil burps”, a condition that I only encountered when taking 4 or more fish oil capsules daily.  If you do encounter that side effect then fall back on taking 2 flaxseed oil capsules daily.
  4. Eat a lower carbohydrate diet to avoid blood sugar spikes.  The brain is a complex piece of machinery.  If you feed it a diet of simple carbohydrates your blood sugar will spike and dip.  This inconsistency makes it more difficult for the brain to be running smoothly.  Anxiety is like being on a “mental gerbil wheel”.  Be kind to your brain and eat complex carbohydrates vs simple carbohydrates.  Try to eat food in its natural state vs. something that has been processed.  Eat ingredients, not recipes.  Try to limit your sugars (including fructose).  Eat your fruit but eat more vegetables than fruit.  An apple would be better than apple juice.  Apple juice would be better than a piece of apple pie.  A piece of homemade apple pie would be better than a Hostess fruit pie.
  5. Vitamin B complex supplement.  There are several different members of the B family of vitamins.  Many of them do effect mental health and specifically anxiety.  For more information I’d suggest reading: http://www.calmclinic.com/blog/calm-clinic-review-b-vitamins
  6. Green tea.  Green tea contains an amino acid that has been shown to calm a rising heart rate.  Let the tea help calm you down.  See the following for some more information. https://bodyecology.com/articles/can-green-tea-reduce-anxiety-stress.php
  7. Chamomile tea.  Chamomile tea has a calming effect on the body as well.  Many people use it as a means to unwind at the end of the day.  For more information on chamomile tea please see: https://www.realnatural.org/chamomile-relaxes-fights-anxiety-and-depression/

Good luck in your fight in managing your anxiety.  Don’t fall into the mental trap that you will be able to rid yourself of all anxiety.  That is unrealistic.  Anxiety, at small levels, is part of the human experience.  Work towards minimizing your anxiety but don’t expect elimination.

Note: I don’t claim to be an expert on any of these things.  I’m sharing what has helped for me.  I’m suggesting that you try these things as they may have a positive effect on you as well.  The links are there for your information only.  I was in no way compensated to include those links.

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Letting go of contempt prior to investigation

I read spiritual texts from many traditions.  The TRUTH is the truth regardless of the language used or the topics discussed.  In the book Alcoholics Anonymous there is a quote mistakenly attributed to Herbert Spencer.  The actual source of the quote however is William Paley.

“There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments, and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance—that principle is contempt prior to investigation.”
— William Paley

We all scoff at things that seem foreign to us.  Stop turning your nose up at those things you have not experienced.  These new things are not better or worse than your own experiences, they are merely different.

If there is an inner revulsion to this new experience try to soften and let go of this revulsion.  A softening could be: “Other people do action X, but I’ve chosen not to partake”.  Let others have their own ways.  There is no reason to have everyone conform to the same set of rules and actions.

Let’s say that you scoff at the idea of meditation, and you believe that it is a sham.  Have you ever really tried to meditate?  Have you been willing to devote a block of time to become somewhat competent in this new thing before you pass judgement on it?

Be willing to try new things.  Step outside of your comfort zone.  Come on in, the water is warm.  Let go of your contempt, if only for the present moment.  Engage in this new experience fully so that you can make an informed judgement.  If after you have personally experience it you believe that it is not beneficial to you, say that you found no truth in it, but other people may have a different experience.

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I believe in reincarnation – kind of.

Some Eastern faith traditions teach the concept of reincarnation.  We are born, we live, we die, and the cycle repeats until you are awakened.

In the Christian faith there is the concept of eternal life, that if we believe in Jesus as the son of God then we will have eternal life.

I’m going to avoid either opinion however and go with the middle way.  Every day is a new creation.  The only moment that exists is NOW.  When we fully engage in the present moment that is where suffering ends and salvation (or awakening) can be who we are.

Do I believe in reincarnation?  On the microscopic level with a new creation every moment, I would say definitively YES.  You can choose to be fully engaged in the present moment.  All it takes is to surrender to the reality of the present moment.  You don’t have to like the present moment, you just need to accept it as your present moment.  What if your present moment is an unpleasant and unhealthy place?  You can and should make plans and take actions now so that your future moments will be better than what you are experiencing now.  Not accepting the reality of the present moment however is a hurdle to progress.

Accept where you are now.  Then move on.

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How to Love: The Five Love Languages

In John 13:34 Jesus told us what we need to do. “I give you a new commandment: Love one another. Just as I have loved you, so you must also love one another.”.

That is a very tall order.  It’s especially difficult sometimes to know how best to love the people around you.  Sometimes the things you do are not interpreted by others as loving actions.

I read a book about this very topic.  Other than the Bible it has had the greatest influence on my life.  Its simple wisdom can be put into immediate action and have amazing results.  The book is “The Five Love Languages”, by the author Dr. Gary Chapman.  In this book Dr. Chapman states that people take in and express love in five ways.  They are: (in no particular order)

  • Words of affirmation
  • Physical touch
  • Gifts
  • Quality time
  • Acts of service

We all need to feel loved.  When we don’t feel loved we begin to misbehave. Dr. Chapman calls this condition “having an empty love tank”.  Regardless of the question, love is the answer.  Find out how to best love the people in your life.

Let’s talk a little bit about the love languages.  For example, let’s say that you are a teenager living at home and you realize that your mother’s love language is acts of service.  Perhaps what you can do to show your love to your Mom would be to set and clear the dinner table each night without being asked.  Do the task and think to yourself that you are doing it to express your love for your Mom.

As another illustration let’s say that your spouse’s love language is words of affirmation.  You do lots of chores in the house and give your spouse gifts frequently.  Your spouse may not feel loved as you haven’t given her/him the love in the appropriate love language. Harsh words would be especially hurtful towards your spouse so you should make every effort not to speak harshly to them.

Here is a link to the Five Love Languages on Barnes and Noble: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-5-love-languages-gary-chapman/1112878532.

The official website for the Five Love Languages is: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Jesus told us to love, and this book will help you in expressing your love for the people in your life.

By the way, my primary love language is words of affirmation.  I feel extra special when people tell me positive affirming messages about me.  My secondary love language is physical touch and I really enjoy getting hugs from my loved ones.

Learn your love language.  Learn the love language for the close people in your life.  Express yourself to those people in their preferred love language.  You will be amazed at how loved you and they feel.

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Where are you?

If you’ve ever look at the store directory map at the mall there is typically a big red dot on it marked “You are here”. If you consider life to be a journey, where are you on the map of your life?

The proper answer is right now, in the present moment, wherever you physically are. You may not like the place where you are, but you should acknowledge the reality of your present moment. 

The “trick” is to practice mindfulness. Some people are confused about what mindfulness is. It is a conscious awareness of the present moment, witnessing it without judgement and with acceptance. 

Accepting the present moment doesn’t mean you like it, you just realize that it is your present reality.  You can mindfully plan your future self, but don’t get stuck in the future. You are where you are.  Accept it, learn from it, and be at peace with it.

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Five Categories of Boundaries

OK I’ve mentioned two types of Boundaries: protective and containment boundaries. See my post Two types of boundaries for a further discussion on protective vs. containment boundaries.  Is there another way to look at boundaries?  Of course there is.

I find it helpful to have a systemic way of looking at things. One system that I return to again and again is a five level hierarchy to categorize aspects of my life. Starting from the bottom and working our way up the levels are:

  • physical
  • emotional
  • mental
  • social
  • spiritual

I will share other topics on these 5 levels in the future, but let’s get back to boundaries.

Physical Boundaries

Having appropriate and mature boundaries (protective and containment) regarding your physical being.  Some examples include:

  • Not being touched inappropriately;
  • Having private alone time;
  • Personal items not being used without permission;
  • Personal space;
  • Respecting locked doors to private space;
  • No extremely loud noises;

Emotional Boundaries

Having appropriate and mature boundaries (protective and containment) regarding your emotional being.  Some examples include:

  • Being in tune with the situation and having appropriate response (no flying off the handle);
  • Not being told we shouldn’t feel a certain way, and saying that to others;
  • Denying your feelings;
  • Being given time (yourself and others) to process emotions;
  • Labeling your emotion.  The 7 base emotions are: sad, mad, glad, lonely, afraid, embarrassed, and guilty.  If it’s not one of those, chances are it’s an emotion PLUS a thought;
  • Scanning your body to see where that emotions expresses itself in your body;
  • Having the courage to experience and sense emotions without acting out from that intense place;
  • No blaming others for your emotions which includes no talk of “you made me feel”;
  • Taking ownership and responsibility for your own emotions;

Mental Boundaries

Having appropriate and mature boundaries (protective and containment) regarding your mental being.  Some examples include:

  • Not being called stupid;
  • Not being told your thoughts don’t matter;
  • No lying. Lying could be a commission – telling an untruth, or via omission – not telling the whole truth;
  • Listening with an open mind;
  • Not getting stuck in “stinking thinking” (Ego, Greed, Aversion, Delusion);
  • Holding onto your opinions and beliefs;
  • Respecting another persons opinions and beliefs;
  • If you are getting stuck in “stinking thinking” ask yourself 4 questions before you speak or act.  Is it TRUE? Is it KIND? Is it NECESSARY? Is it HUMBLE?  If the answer is NO to any of these questions then you shouldn’t speak or act;
  • If you must disagree with someone, then disagree with their line of thought, but not with them;

Social Boundaries

Having appropriate and mature boundaries (protective and containment) regarding your social being.  Some examples include:

  • Not condoning or participating in gossip;
  • Not lying or manipulating;
  • Following through on your commitments;
  • Being respectful of people’s time;
  • Having good manners;
  • Not accepting or condoning toxic behavior.  Separating yourself from toxic people;
  • Speak directly to others, no triangulation.  An example of triangulation: A has issue with B, A doesn’t talk to B, A talks to C, and A is hoping that C will talk to B on their behalf;
  • Following through with your plans if others don’t show up.  Allowing others to go through with their plans if you don’t show up;

Spiritual Boundaries

Having appropriate and mature boundaries (protective and containment) regarding your spiritual being.  Spirituality is different than religion. See my blog post Religion vs. Spirituality on a discussion of religion vs. spirituality.  Some examples include:

  • Holding on to your beliefs;
  • Respecting the beliefs of others and not preaching at them they are wrong and your ways is right;
  • Refusing to betray your moral values;
  • Being open to listen to others sharing their beliefs and looking for the common ground between your belief and theirs;
  • Letting go of the language of good and bad.  These carry too much weight and people can take them on that they are inherently bad.  Choose instead the language of helpful versus harmful;
  • Let go of judging others.  If you must still judge someone then focus on their behavior and the words they speak.  We can’t truly know another persons thoughts and emotions.  That capability is outside of human hands, but rather in the hands of the Divine;
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Boundaries – Parenting Your Inner Child

Many people think of setting boundaries as controlling another persons behavior.  On the surface I would agree with that assessment.  However boundaries have a much deeper context.

Lying within all of us is our own wounded inner child.  Face it, we are all broken in one way or another.  Boundaries are really about parenting that inner wounded child.

Confronting someone who has violated your boundary sounds like a good thing to do.  I would say that this is not always true.  In the real world if your child was being bullied by another child you may want to swoop in there and punish the bully.  The thing is that even bullies have parents.  Confrontation is not always the best solution.  Perhaps the best solution is to remove your child from the situation.  The same holds true as we set boundaries as an adult.  Our mature outer adult is defining what is and is not acceptable behavior and having an action plan that “if you do X” then “I will do Y”.  If you continue to speak to me in a loud and sarcastic way then I’m going to excuse myself and take myself (and my wounded inner child) out of harms way.

Confronting bad behavior can backfire.  I would posit that perhaps you are trying to teach the inner wounded child of the bully what is and is not acceptable behavior.  The thing is that inner wounded child could be running the show for the outer adult, and that outer adult may have real power that may be able to harm you (physically, emotionally, financially, etc).

Be a loving parent to your own inner wounded child.  Keep them safe.  Create an environment that is beneficial for their growth and healing.

Setting clear and mature boundaries will not only parent your own inner wounded child, but it will model good behavior and perhaps influence the inner wounded children of the people in your life.  You can’t control other people, but you can influence them.  Be the shining light of reason and serenity.  Be loving but firm and protect your inner childs environment.