Category: All

All of the posts

Posted on

Two types of boundaries

I like slicing and dicing complex concepts so that I only need to understand the concept from a particular point of view. Once I understand it from that viewpoint I can then attempt to see the concept from a different vantage point. That is what I will do with boundaries over the next several posts.

Two types of boundaries

  • Protective boundaries
  • Containment boundaries

Protective boundaries are limits that I put into place to protect myself from the poor behavior of others. Protective boundaries can be put in place to prevent persistent yelling, or sarcasm, or any other poor behavior. Protective boundaries typically take the form:

When you do (specific-behavior), I will remind you of my boundary. If you continue to (specific-behavior) I will respond by doing (consequence-behavior).

For example:

When you raise your voice in anger to me I will calmly remind you of my boundary. If you continue to raise your voice in anger to me I will calmly leave the house and go for a walk or drive for between 15 minutes and an hour.

Protective boundaries are not easy but they are necessary.

Containment boundaries are limits that I put into place to protect others from my poor behavior. You mean that I am not perfect? Containment boundaries typically take the form:

When you do (specific-behavior) I (feel-emotion/think-thought) and I will do (limiting-behavior).

For example:

When you talk on and on I think ‘will he ever shut up’, and I will not interrupt you but rather I will recite the serenity prayer in my head.

Containment boundaries are also not easy, but they are just as necessary. 

I would strongly suggest that for every protective boundary you have in place that you also create the corresponding containment boundary. For instance, if you do not want others to raise their voice in anger to you, then your containment boundary would be that you can not raise your voice in anger to others.

Posted on

Boundaries: what are they?

Boundaries are things that put a limit on something else. They clearly define the minimum or maximum. Boundaries define what is inside and what is outside. They delineate what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Boundaries can be many things to many different people. In the context of life coaching boundaries are put into place to control the poor behavior of people and to protect one from the other.

Boundaries can be healthy or unhealthy. They can be lovingly firm or manipulative and controlling. Healthy boundaries are lovingly firm and should protect you from the poor behavior of others. Boundaries are not perfect, you may still get hurt, but hopefully the boundary has protected you from the gravest harm.

Boundaries should be firm yet flexible. You may have a firm boundary where people should not yell and curse in your presence, but it should be flexible enough to allow for a loud and profane interjection after your spouse hits their thumb with a hammer. It wouldn’t permit a non-stop cursing tirade after hammering the thumb, but an involuntary F* or S* after the hit would be understandable.

Creating and maintaining flexible and healthy boundaries can be very difficult but it is well worth the effort.

[print_link]

Posted on

Check your posture

About 10 years ago I was traveling a lot for work. I was having many long days with lots of “windshield time”, out to customers then back home. Ibuprofen and acetaminophen were not making a dent in my lower back pain. I needed something different. 

I decided to see a chiropractor to see if they could help. I was sitting in the exam room, the chiropractor came into the room, and asked “how is your posture?”.  I said I thought it was good. He said “stand up”. He glanced up and down and stated “Your posture is crap. Your head, your shoulders, and your hips need to be in be vertical alignment. If they are not, then you’ll be in pain.”

He helped my back pain. A few days later I had a personal epiphany. Some call it a “V8 moment” or a “blinding flash of the obvious”, but it hit me: I had a spiritual posture as well and if I wasn’t in spiritual alignment I would be in spiritual pain. What do I mean by spiritual alignment? I need to be rooted and aligned in the present moment.

I needed a checklist to check my spiritual posture. 

  1. Where are my feet? What physical sensations am I currently experiencing? Hot/cold, heaviness/lightness, tightness/looseness in the body
  2. Where is my heart? What emotions am I experiencing? The 7 base emotions are: sad, mad, glad, lonely, afraid, embarrassed, guilty.  If it’s not one of these it’s probably an emotion PLUS a judgment of how things should be. Also where in the body do I experience the emotion? For me anger manifests as tightness between my shoulder blades  
  3. Where is my mind? What am I thinking about? Am I judging, planning, recalling, etc? Are my thoughts true, kind, necessary, humble? Am I caught in some sort of cognitive dissonance sometimes referred to as “stinking thinking”. 
  4. Where is my spirit? Am I in acting from a place where I am part of a greater whole. We are all connected to each other.  Regardless of the question love is the answer.

    Once you’ve checked your spiritual posture do your best to truly experience  the moment you are in.

    Good luck!

    Posted on

    Accepting Where You Are

    ArgueWithReality

    That what we resists, persists.

    – Zen koan

    We make things more difficult for ourselves when we don’t accept the reality of the present moment. Perhaps you are doing a job you are not passionate about. Perhaps you are in a place where you don’t want to be.

    Accept the present moment, then move on from there. Can you do aspects of the thing you are passionate about in your current job?  What can you do, in this moment, that brings you one step closer to your goals?

    If your passion is art, then volunteer to create some PowerPoint presentation templates that are both artistic and business oriented. If you are passionate about health, then be the shining example of health (diet, exercise, work/life balance) in your everyday life.

    You are at a certain place in your life.  Accept the reality of the present moment.  Use the present moment to connect with the present moment.  Accepting the present moment, warts and all, leaves room for us to grow and become something different.  When we fight reality we lose and we can’t change.  The only true refuge from the fear of the present moment is IN the present moment.  Live life fully and attentively.

    Posted on

    Echoes of Eden

    EchoesOfEden

    Look for the good in life. Recognize that this world does not mirror Heaven or Eden. We are though enveloped in echoes of Eden.  Echoes are not exact representations, they are distorted in some fashion.

    Look at how the world has aspects of Eden in it. If you seek it, you will find it. I promise it.

    Isn’t that a better view of things?  Don’t be delusional or Pollyanna when looking at the world. When you see good in the world, recognize it. Claim it as part of your divine birthright. Echoes of Eden are out there.

    Posted on

    Everything Looks Like Shit

    Crap

    If you look around and everything looks like shit, chances are good that your head is up your ass.

    – Anonymous

    It is very easy to be negative and complain. We all have annoyances and things that get under our skin. When we are focused on ourselves and our problems life becomes difficult.  Enlightenment is an inside job, but there must be focus on being service to others, and to be in an active relationship with your Higher Power.  Change your focus and you’ll be amazed at the results that will come your way.

    Posted on

    Surrender To Win

    SurrenderToWin

    Surrender is not the same as giving in. Surrender is about accepting your current reality and responding to it in a mature serene way.

    God made us to surrender. Our choice is what we surrender to. We can surrender to Him, or we can surrender to our character defects.  It’s your choice. – Bill Riedy

    If a fire alarm goes off at your place of work, what do you do?  Do you bitch and moan, complaining about how often the alarm goes off?  Or do you sit petrified with terror that you are just going to die, so why bother?  These are two forms of non-acceptance, and there are many more to choose from.

    Acceptance is recognizing the fire alarm for what it is. It is there to get your attention. You should respond in a calm mature fashion. Look for the nearest exit and proceed calmly and safely towards the exit. On your way out if you see others tell them of the alarm and the need to proceed to the exit.

    Surrender and acceptance are two sides of the same coin. We are all called to live in this moment, whatever the moment brings. We can take action to create a different future, but it is futile to fight the reality of the right now.

    I believe that there is a Higher Power that wants the best for me. He wants me to feel love, and to give love freely to others.  Why wouldn’t I want to surrender to this?

    Choose. Live life on purpose. You are worth it.

    Posted on

    Willing Suspension of Disbelief

    Suspend disbelief

    We all have our doubts.  There are things that we won’t or can’t believe.  I’m not asking you to throw those beliefs away as you’ve had them a long time.  But you are on a spiritual journey now and some beliefs are holding you back.  Put some of these beliefs aside, willingly suspend your disbelief, buy into the premise of spirituality so that you can begin the process of healing.

    People may have turned you off to the concept of God.  Blame the cook and not the food for the dining experience.  Others may have led you astray with unloving interpretations of the Almighty.  Suspend your disbelief, even if it’s only a moment.  Believe that people you trust believe in a Higher Power.  Let that love in, and not the false messages you may have heard.

    willing suspension of disbelief – a voluntary setting aside of one’s critical faculties and to believe the unbelievable; sacrifice of realism and logic for the sake of enjoyment

     

    Posted on

    Five Love Languages

    5 Love Languages

    I firmly believe that we are put here on this earth to love one another.  The difficult thing is that it is sometimes difficult in knowing how to love one another.  I have a suggested book for you to read on this very topic.  This books wisdom and the ease of putting this wisdom into action makes this book the most influential book I have ever read.

    According to author Gary Chapman in his book The 5 Love Languages (Amazon) (Barnes & Noble), people take in, and express love in five distinct ways.  In no particular order, the 5 love languages are:

    • Words of affirmation
    • Acts of service
    • Quality time
    • Gift giving/receiving
    • Physical touch

    If you want others to feel loved, you need to speak their love language, not the one that comes easiest to you.  My primary love language is words of affirmation whereas my wife’s primary love language is acts of service.  When I tell my wife that “she is beautiful” and that “I love her” she most likely is not going to interpret those as loving acts on my part.  If I want her to feel loved, then I need to clean the bathroom, and do the laundry.

    I need to do the full job and not a cursory “quickie” job.  So for the laundry I need to do all of the following to get full credit:

    • pick up dirty clothes
    • separate into darks, whites, and linens
    • put into washer
    • put into dryer
    • fold all the clothes, linens, and socks (my personal anathema)
    • put away

    Now I may hate to do the laundry (which I do). But it is not about me.  I’m looking for ways to express my love to my wife.  So when I do the complete task of the laundry it becomes less of a burden as I am doing it to express my love.

    I mentioned primary love language as we are all capable of speaking and hearing all 5 of the languages.  We have preferences for those that mean the most to us.  Speak them all if possible.  If it’s not possible to speak them all, then at the very least speak their primary love language.

    Find out your own love language.  Share this information with the closest loved ones in your life.  There is no guarantee that they will speak your love language, but if you don’t share this information it is not likely they will know how to best love you.

    Encourage those closest to you to take the assessment and find out their love language.  Ask them if they could share that information with you.  Now armed with that new piece of information, speak that love language to them.  Speak your spouse’s/partner’s love language.  Speak to your child(ren) in their love language.  Speak to your parents and your siblings in their love language.  Speak to your friends in their love language.

    For an assessment (quick quiz) to determine your love language please go to Gary’s website (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/).  If you are looking for more complete descriptions of the 5 love languages go to his website or buy the book The 5 Love Languages (Amazon) (Barnes & Noble).  Or if you are frugal see if your local library has a copy.

    Read it.  Apply the wisdom in your life.  Stand back and feel the love. (Pardon the pun)

    Posted on

    Religion vs. Spirituality

    ReligionVsSpirituality

    Religion and spirituality are different concepts.  Religion is about: theology; and doctrine.  Spirituality, in all its forms, comes down to two beliefs: there is a power greater than self; everyone and everything is connected to that power.

    Can spirituality be found in religion? Yes, it can be found in religion.  Sadly there are too many examples where spirituality is missing from many religious environments.

    Spirituality can be found in many different forms.  Some of us commune with nature.  Some believe in Universal Love, others Universal Truth.  The Star Wars movies have the Force.  Eastern traditions have chakras.  Buddhism has the Four Noble Truths.  Recovery has the Twelve Steps.

    If you are from a religious background, then explore spirituality within your own faith.  Islam has the Sufis, an ascetic and mystical sect.  First century Christians had Gnosticism.  A new age spiritual form of Christianity is A Course In Miracles.

    It doesn’t matter which spiritual path you take.  I can say that being on a spiritual path is rewarding and fulfilling.  Embark on your own spiritual journey.  I promise that it will take you to places that you never even dreamed of.

     

    theology: there is a proper and correct knowledge of God and God’s attributes

    doctrine: there is a proper and correct set of teachings, rules, and laws governing our thoughts and behaviors

    spirituality: the belief that there is a power greater than self, and that everyone and everything is connected to that power