Uncertainty and confusion are part of the human experience. Accept that you will have to go through the state of confusion before you arrive at clarity. Being confused about something means that you are on the journey of acquiring knowledge and wisdom. Confusion does not need to be a permanent state. It may take time and perhaps great mental effort but understanding will eventually come. Be gentle with yourself when you are in a moment of confusion. You are not expected to know everything in this moment. More will be revealed as time passes.
Did you hear the one about the Buddhist monk who asked the hot dog vendor “Can you make me one with everything?”
So the hot dog vendor prepares the hot dog as requested, hands it to the Buddhist monk, and the monk pays with a $20 bill. The hot dog vendor then immediately turns to the next customer and starts helping them. The monk says in an annoyed tone “Where is my change?”. The hot dog vendor replies “Change comes from within.” and continues serving the new customer.
I have a confession to make. Most of my career has been spent being an IT Systems Engineer or something similar. One of the important things that needs to be focused on in IT is Change Management. Change is a fact of life, but the trick is in how you manage that change.
As you probably have figured out by reading the blog I’m big into models as a way of representing and understanding a real world phenomenon. An interesting model to look at is the ADKAR Model of Change.
It’s another hierarchy whereby you need to satisfy the earlier level(s) before achieving the next level in the hierarchy. Awareness of the need for change has to be satisfied before you can move onto the Desire to support and participate in the change. Once Desire has been achieved you need to acquire the Knowledge of how to change, or at the very least the knowledge to know to start to change. Once Knowledge has been achieved and you’ve decided to begin to change your Ability comes into play.
Any job worth doing well is worth doing poorly at first.
~ Change/Improvement maxim
Your ability may start off in the poor category, but you can expand your skill set and have even greater ability in the future. Once you’ve acquired Ability and you’ve made some change you now need to put Reinforcement into play so that you don’t backslide and that you continue to move forward. Change can be hard to fight for and achieve so you need reinforcement of your new skills and habits so that you don’t return to your older, less evolved self.
Where I personally fall short in the model is around the Reinforcement stage. I can be fairly far along the change hierarchy, but I’m not skilled and well practiced in reinforcing the change and applying the necessary discipline in my life to guarantee a lasting change. Progress not perfection. I’m flawed, and so are you. You can however make progress in the change you wish to implement in your life. You can do it, take a small step or perhaps a leap into a new way of approaching things.
We are all motivated by something. Some internal desire, perhaps for something better that drives your action. What drives you? Are you being passive in your life or are you taking the bull by the horns and wrestling it to the ground? What courageous act are you undertaking?
We all have a coward within us that limits our actions. Perhaps your inner coward prevents you from expressing your true feelings to those you love the most. Fear of judgment and rejection keeps us mired in a puddle of misery. Be brave, that hero is within you as well.
Being courageous is not to be without fear, but rather acknowledging that fear and acting anyway. You can do this.
Your actions have an impact upon your thoughts and feelings. According to research that Amy Cuddy has done, placing yourself in Power Poses will make you more confident and less stressed. Take 21 minutes out of your busy schedule and listen to her TED Talk. You will be inspired to stand and walk differently. I can personally attest to the power of these poses (pun intended).
Fear is another God given emotion. According to The Course In Miracles humans act out of fear or love. There may be other emotions in the mix, but if you boil it down what you’re left with is fear and love. Fear exists to protect us from danger. If you are walking in the Indian jungle at night it is wholly appropriate for you to be afraid of tigers. Walking on the streets of your favorite city it is not appropriate for you to be afraid of tigers. You may have other valid reasons to be fearful, but tigers should not be on that list.
The challenge is to not act from that place of fear. Acknowledge and own your fear, you just have to work on not acting from that place of fear.
Slogans about fear
FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real
FEAR = Fuck Everything And Run
Fear definitely leads us somewhere. Is it really the direction we want to go in? Listen to what Yoda said about fear.
Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.
Yoda in The Empire Strikes Back 1
¹ In 1980 there was not a movie released with the title Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back. The proper title of the movie as released in theaters is The Empire Strikes Back. ‘Nuff said!
Most fears are imagined, or at the very least exaggerated into something greater than they really are. What if we had something we could say to ourselves to get through the fear? Fears are meant to be confronted and mastered. Here is a suggestion from literature:
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
Bene Gesserit mantra as written in Dune, the classic science fiction novel by Frank Herbert
What is the most common commandment in the Bible? The commandment Fear not is said in the Bible 365 times (some count 366, but I’ll go with the lower number). It’s also the most common thing said by Jesus in the New Testament. Sorry fans, I don’t have a count of how many times He said that. Perhaps in a future post when I do my own research.
Response #1 to fear: Ask yourself where in your body does the emotion of fear manifest? Can you describe accurately all of the characteristics of the sensation? Is it all over, or is it localized? If localized is the boundary of the sensation sharp or fuzzy? Is it a tingle, or an ache? Does it have a temperature (hot, cold)? If it is painful, is the pain constant, or does it pulse, or does it come and go randomly? Experience and describe the sensation fully. Stay with the body. Thinking about fear only makes it grow so focus on the sensations of the body.
Response #2 to fear: Have a mantra you say to yourself around fear. Use it when fear manifests. It could be from scripture, or literature, or your own words. If you can’t think of one yourself use the Bene Gesserit mantra above. Keep it fairly short, memorize it, and use it whenever fear arises.
Response #3 to fear: Fear often comes up when we are trying to avoid pain. It could be physical or emotional pain. Use the tool The Reversal of Desire from the book The Tools, by Phil Stutz, and Barry Michels. Use it whenever you are trying to avoid pain. Use this tool often. Don’t scoff at this idea until you’ve done it a bunch of times. If after you’ve done it many times and it doesn’t work for you then judge it as harshly as you wish.
The Reversal of Desire
Imagine that there is a black cloud in front of you. Scream silently “Bring it on”. As the cloud comes toward you silently scream “I love pain”. You pass through the cloud, and when the cloud spits you out on the other side silently say to yourself “Pain sets me free”.
Anger is a God given emotion. He gave them to us for a reason, so that we can fight against problems. But He also told us to “Love one another. As I have loved you so you must love one another.” So regardless of the situation we need to respond from a place of love. Anger in and of itself is not a problem, acting from a place of anger is a problem though.
Here are some options available to you when responding to anger. This by no means is an exhaustive list, but it will get you started.
Response #1 – Labeling specifically what you are angry about
Be as specific as possible. Don’t say “I hate X”, but rather say specifically what behavior or statement that X chooses to do that angers you? I’m not going to dive into the whole philosophy that no one can “make” you feel a certain way. If you are not specific, then you can’t be certain about the type of behavior that angers you.
Once you pin down the behaviors that anger you the possibility exists that you can structure your life with boundaries so that you minimize the possibility of this behavior happening around you.
Response #2 – Create a space between person X and their angering behavior
People are rarely ever completely good, or completely bad. I think of humanity as flawed beings that on occasion do harmful things, and sometimes helpful things. Separate the behavior from the person. Create a space so that you can continue loving the person while hating a particular behavior they partake in. Hate the behavior, but never the person.
Response #3 – Ask yourself how am I guilty of the same or similar action?
We are all flawed, we all make mistakes and harm people. Certainly the goal is to not harm others, but being flawed beings it is inevitable that we will harm others, even if only slightly. You need not have committed a wrong as grievous as they have, but perhaps you’ve done a much lesser form of the wrongdoing. If the person lied about you while under oath in a trial, have you ever told an untruth in any situation in your life? Do you respond with the whole truth when people ask “How are you today?”
There is a slogan around this idea. “You spot it, you got it.”
I can’t speak for anyone else, but nothing, absolutely nothing pisses me off more than seeing my character defects manifested in someone else.
By asking how you are guilty of the same or similar action you are creating a space for compassion to grow. Compassion for the other person, and more importantly compassion for yourself.
Response #4 – Do you resent this other person? If yes, then you need to pray for them.
I’m not talking about praying that they will be punished. I’m talking about: Praying that they know peace. Praying that they feel loved and that they love others. Praying that they feel the presence of their Higher Power, whatever form that Higher Power takes. Praying that they prosper and live a long life. Praying that they know wisdom.
Pray for them in this way every day for a minimum of two weeks. The anger and resentment will be gone. There may still be a scar where they wounded you, but that wound is no longer festering. You can begin to love them once again.
Response #5 – What if you can’t or won’t pray for this other person? Then pray for the willingness to pray for them.
Pray for the willingness to pray for them for a minimum of two weeks. The willingness will come. I’ve followed this process myself and I can attest to its power.
Response #6 – Define a new boundary around that troubling behavior.
Read several of my posts for a further discussion of boundaries. They are essential to living your life as an adult.
OK, I’m acknowledging and admitting in public that I have depression. I choose not to say that I suffer from depression, as I believe suffering is a choice. Here I mean the Buddhist interpretation of suffering, the mental and emotional anguish that we put ourselves through when we don’t accept the present moment for what it is.
Pain is part of the human experience, suffering is optional.
I choose to say instead that I have depression, or that I sometimes experience the symptoms of depression. This simple change of the words I use to describe my condition allows for space for the possibility that someday I won’t have depression, or that I don’t experience the symptoms of depression.
Why all this talk about words? Well words have great power. If you read Genesis, God first spoke “Let there be light”, then light existed. Words are the first step of creation. The words I choose to use help create my reality.
Many of us view life as a series of metaphors. Some view life as a race, others view it as a game, still others see it as a constant struggle. What metaphor do I use to describe my depression?
As I mentioned in a prior post, humans are dualistic beings. I see myself as two beings in one:
a wounded inner child
a mature outer adult
My depression shows itself by a lack of energy, a lack of progress, and a lack of emotion. The swing is not moving.
The depression is a manifestation of my wounded inner child. It is sitting in the swing. It is petulent and drags its feet in the sand. Sometimes it goes so far as to pump its legs in the opposite direction to prevent progress.
My outer mature adult is smaller than the depression. I can’t give a single push to get the depression swinging. I have to time my pushes, and consistently apply positive actions in my life. I have to encourage the inner child to lift his feet. After that I can encourage the inner child to begin pumping his legs so swinging isn’t relying totally on my smaller outer self.
It’s not a perfect metaphor mind you, but it is fairly consistent with my experience with my depression. I am hopeful that consistently giving gentle pushes I will emerge from the depression, free and happy once again. This future is possible for you too.
Every behavior that I can think of could be useful in a particular circumstance. It’s helpful to first acknowledge a particular behavior and then determine what higher level purpose it is trying to achieve. The original behavior that the client used may not have gotten the desired response. It’s important to broaden the view, defocus the eyes, and look at the bigger picture or the ecology of the interaction. The client may have several different choices for behaviors that would work toward achieving the desired goal. Step the client through the process of evaluating the alternatives and come up with the optimal choice for that particular situation. A minor difference in the ecology of the location, the audience, or any other potential critical factor could move what is optimal to another of the alternatives.
I have found it helpful to drop the words good and bad from my vocabulary. They have emotional baggage associated with them. I choose instead to use the more neutral language of helpful and harmful behavior. This takes the edge off of the hardness of good and bad. Behaviors then morph into helpful or harmful behaviors which become easier to “try on” and see if they are appropriate given the current ecology.
Having a cavity drilled at the dentist’s hurts, but it is a helpful action. Eating yet another doughnut feels good but is a harmful action if it is your intention to lose weight.
Examine your behaviors and what your higher level purpose is.
An allergic reaction is an abnormal (remember not good or bad) reaction to a certain stimulus. The allergy model looks as follows:
We are exposed to certain things which I’ll call allergens. These could include anything from the environment or something you eat or drink. I’ve represented those allergens as the faucet. Those allergens go into the body, which has a limited amount of capacity to handle those allergens which is represented as the bucket in the diagram. Lastly the immune system within the body has a way of filtering out these bad cooties. I’ve represented that in the diagram as the drain in the lower right. When things are in balance water flows from the faucet into the bucket and then exits out the drain and all is well.
What happens during an allergic reaction? The analogy here is when the bucket overflows from the top, the body has the allergic reaction which is the body’s poor and abnormal (again not good or bad) response. That can be shown in the following:
So what can be done to reduce the likelihood of an allergic reaction from happening? We can work on reducing the risk (not eliminate, but reduce) of having that allergic reaction. That can be represented by the following:
There are 3 general approaches to reducing the risk of the allergic reaction:
Reduce the allergens in your surroundings – Manifest change in your life to reduce the number of allergens you are exposed to. If you are a hay fever sufferer perhaps that would look like using an air conditioner during hay fever season (closing the windows to dust and pollen) and perhaps buying and using a HEPA air filter. If you have a mold problem in your apartment the change you may need to make is to move.
Improve the capacity of the body – Putting into place a set of actions to increase the body’s ability to accept those allergens without going into an allergic reaction. I had activity induced asthma as a preteen and I was also allergic to dust and pollen and a few other things. The approach that I took to increase my body’s capacity involved getting allergy shots and also participating in a competitive swim team as a means to increase lung capacity.
Increase immune system functioning – The body eventually has to get rid of these allergens (contaminants). There are several systems in the body that I’m lumping together and calling the immune system. I’m including the classical immune system, the liver and kidneys (the body’s filtering system), the inner microbiome of intestinal bacteria, perspiration, urination and defecation. There are things that can be done to increase the functioning of these filtering systems. These could include increasing the intake of pure filtered water, decreasing or eliminating alcohol (the liver has to work overtime to get rid of alcohol and while it is doing that it can’t be filtering out allergens), taking a probiotic supplement (minimum 8 strains, minimum 8 billion CFU’s), taking supplements that boost the immune system (echinacea and others).
There you have it. The allergy model can be used to model many different conditions from hay fever to alcoholism. Begin using the allergy model to understand the things you respond to in an abnormal or unhealthy way. Again read my post on normal for further information on what is normal.
Normal is not a measure of right vs. wrong, nor is it a measure of good vs. bad. Normal is a measure of statistics. Typical, common, most likely. A normal distribution is normally (that word again) called a “Bell curve”.
The four white slices in the diagram above represent the bulk or majority of the data within a sample. I personally would call these slices normal as they represent the most likely to be seen. The blue and red slices are called the outliers, and I often call them corner cases. These corner cases come up in reality but a random sample of a larger population will only rarely be represented by blue or red. The more likely outcome is somewhere in the white.
normal – relating to, involving, or being a normal curve or normal distribution
Source: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/normal
Normallypeople are right handed. Approximately 90% of the population at large are right handed. Approximately 10% of the population are left handed. Less than 1% of the population is ambidextrous, so ambidextrous people are the real corner cases.
Being different from the norm is not wrong nor bad. It merely means different. There are times where it is advantageous to be left handed, like left handed batters in major league baseball. There are times where it is advantageous to be right handed, like when men have to pull the zipper up on their pants. Again not bad nor wrong, merely different.
Embrace the differences between people. Accept them as evidence of the randomness of nature, or the humor of God. And you should do this if you are normal or not.
