Anger is a God given emotion. He gave them to us for a reason, so that we can fight against problems. But He also told us to “Love one another. As I have loved you so you must love one another.” So regardless of the situation we need to respond from a place of love. Anger in and of itself is not a problem, acting from a place of anger is a problem though.
Here are some options available to you when responding to anger. This by no means is an exhaustive list, but it will get you started.
Response #1 – Labeling specifically what you are angry about
Be as specific as possible. Don’t say “I hate X”, but rather say specifically what behavior or statement that X chooses to do that angers you? I’m not going to dive into the whole philosophy that no one can “make” you feel a certain way. If you are not specific, then you can’t be certain about the type of behavior that angers you.
Once you pin down the behaviors that anger you the possibility exists that you can structure your life with boundaries so that you minimize the possibility of this behavior happening around you.
Response #2 – Create a space between person X and their angering behavior
People are rarely ever completely good, or completely bad. I think of humanity as flawed beings that on occasion do harmful things, and sometimes helpful things. Separate the behavior from the person. Create a space so that you can continue loving the person while hating a particular behavior they partake in. Hate the behavior, but never the person.
Response #3 – Ask yourself how am I guilty of the same or similar action?
We are all flawed, we all make mistakes and harm people. Certainly the goal is to not harm others, but being flawed beings it is inevitable that we will harm others, even if only slightly. You need not have committed a wrong as grievous as they have, but perhaps you’ve done a much lesser form of the wrongdoing. If the person lied about you while under oath in a trial, have you ever told an untruth in any situation in your life? Do you respond with the whole truth when people ask “How are you today?”
There is a slogan around this idea. “You spot it, you got it.”
I can’t speak for anyone else, but nothing, absolutely nothing pisses me off more than seeing my character defects manifested in someone else.
By asking how you are guilty of the same or similar action you are creating a space for compassion to grow. Compassion for the other person, and more importantly compassion for yourself.
Response #4 – Do you resent this other person? If yes, then you need to pray for them.
I’m not talking about praying that they will be punished. I’m talking about: Praying that they know peace. Praying that they feel loved and that they love others. Praying that they feel the presence of their Higher Power, whatever form that Higher Power takes. Praying that they prosper and live a long life. Praying that they know wisdom.
Pray for them in this way every day for a minimum of two weeks. The anger and resentment will be gone. There may still be a scar where they wounded you, but that wound is no longer festering. You can begin to love them once again.
Response #5 – What if you can’t or won’t pray for this other person? Then pray for the willingness to pray for them.
Pray for the willingness to pray for them for a minimum of two weeks. The willingness will come. I’ve followed this process myself and I can attest to its power.
Response #6 – Define a new boundary around that troubling behavior.
Read several of my posts for a further discussion of boundaries. They are essential to living your life as an adult.
- Boundaries What Are They?
- Two types of boundaries
- Boundaries – Parenting Your Inner Child
- Five Categories of Boundaries
So there you go. Six potential responses to anger. Hopefully you find them useful.
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