Every behavior is helpful, in the right context

Every behavior that I can think of could be useful in a particular circumstance.  It’s helpful to first acknowledge a particular behavior and then determine what higher level purpose it is trying to achieve.  The original behavior that the client used may not have gotten the desired response.  It’s important to broaden the view, defocus the eyes, and look at the bigger picture or the ecology of the interaction.  The client may have several different choices for behaviors that would work toward achieving the desired goal.  Step the client through the process of evaluating the alternatives and come up with the optimal choice for that particular situation.  A minor difference in the ecology of the location, the audience, or any other potential critical factor could move what is optimal to another of the alternatives.

I have found it helpful to drop the words good and bad from my vocabulary.  They have emotional baggage associated with them.  I choose instead to use the more neutral language of helpful and harmful behavior.  This takes the edge off of the hardness of good and bad.  Behaviors then morph into helpful or harmful behaviors which become easier to “try on” and see if they are appropriate given the current ecology.

Having a cavity drilled at the dentist’s hurts, but it is a helpful action.  Eating yet another doughnut feels good but is a harmful action if it is your intention to lose weight.

Examine your behaviors and what your higher level purpose is.