Category: Practice

Some Eastern faith traditions teach the concept of reincarnation.  We are born, we live, we die, and the cycle repeats until you are awakened.

In the Christian faith there is the concept of eternal life, that if we believe in Jesus as the son of God then we will have eternal life.

I’m going to avoid either opinion however and go with the middle way.  Every day is a new creation.  The only moment that exists is NOW.  When we fully engage in the present moment that is where suffering ends and salvation (or awakening) can be who we are.

Do I believe in reincarnation?  On the microscopic level with a new creation every moment, I would say definitively YES.  You can choose to be fully engaged in the present moment.  All it takes is to surrender to the reality of the present moment.  You don’t have to like the present moment, you just need to accept it as your present moment.  What if your present moment is an unpleasant and unhealthy place?  You can and should make plans and take actions now so that your future moments will be better than what you are experiencing now.  Not accepting the reality of the present moment however is a hurdle to progress.

Accept where you are now.  Then move on.

If you’ve ever look at the store directory map at the mall there is typically a big red dot on it marked “You are here”. If you consider life to be a journey, where are you on the map of your life?

The proper answer is right now, in the present moment, wherever you physically are. You may not like the place where you are, but you should acknowledge the reality of your present moment. 

The “trick” is to practice mindfulness. Some people are confused about what mindfulness is. It is a conscious awareness of the present moment, witnessing it without judgement and with acceptance. 

Accepting the present moment doesn’t mean you like it, you just realize that it is your present reality.  You can mindfully plan your future self, but don’t get stuck in the future. You are where you are.  Accept it, learn from it, and be at peace with it.

OK I’ve mentioned two types of Boundaries: protective and containment boundaries. See my post Two types of boundaries for a further discussion on protective vs. containment boundaries.  Is there another way to look at boundaries?  Of course there is.

I find it helpful to have a systemic way of looking at things. One system that I return to again and again is a five level hierarchy to categorize aspects of my life. Starting from the bottom and working our way up the levels are:

• physical
• emotional
• mental
• social
• spiritual

I will share other topics on these 5 levels in the future, but let’s get back to boundaries.

Physical Boundaries

Having appropriate and mature boundaries (protective and containment) regarding your physical being.  Some examples include:

• Not being touched inappropriately;
• Having private alone time;
• Personal items not being used without permission;
• Personal space;
• Respecting locked doors to private space;
• No extremely loud noises;

Emotional Boundaries

Having appropriate and mature boundaries (protective and containment) regarding your emotional being.  Some examples include:

• Being in tune with the situation and having appropriate response (no flying off the handle);
• Not being told we shouldn’t feel a certain way, and saying that to others;
• Denying your feelings;
• Being given time (yourself and others) to process emotions;
• Labeling your emotion.  The 7 base emotions are: sad, mad, glad, lonely, afraid, embarrassed, and guilty.  If it’s not one of those, chances are it’s an emotion PLUS a thought;
• Scanning your body to see where that emotions expresses itself in your body;
• Having the courage to experience and sense emotions without acting out from that intense place;
• No blaming others for your emotions which includes no talk of “you made me feel”;
• Taking ownership and responsibility for your own emotions;

Mental Boundaries

Having appropriate and mature boundaries (protective and containment) regarding your mental being.  Some examples include:

• Not being called stupid;
• Not being told your thoughts don’t matter;
• No lying. Lying could be a commission – telling an untruth, or via omission – not telling the whole truth;
• Listening with an open mind;
• Not getting stuck in “stinking thinking” (Ego, Greed, Aversion, Delusion);
• Holding onto your opinions and beliefs;
• Respecting another persons opinions and beliefs;
• If you are getting stuck in “stinking thinking” ask yourself 4 questions before you speak or act.  Is it TRUE? Is it KIND? Is it NECESSARY? Is it HUMBLE?  If the answer is NO to any of these questions then you shouldn’t speak or act;
• If you must disagree with someone, then disagree with their line of thought, but not with them;

Social Boundaries

Having appropriate and mature boundaries (protective and containment) regarding your social being.  Some examples include:

• Not condoning or participating in gossip;
• Not lying or manipulating;
• Following through on your commitments;
• Being respectful of people’s time;
• Having good manners;
• Not accepting or condoning toxic behavior.  Separating yourself from toxic people;
• Speak directly to others, no triangulation.  An example of triangulation: A has issue with B, A doesn’t talk to B, A talks to C, and A is hoping that C will talk to B on their behalf;
• Following through with your plans if others don’t show up.  Allowing others to go through with their plans if you don’t show up;

Spiritual Boundaries

Having appropriate and mature boundaries (protective and containment) regarding your spiritual being.  Spirituality is different than religion. See my blog post Religion vs. Spirituality on a discussion of religion vs. spirituality.  Some examples include:

• Holding on to your beliefs;
• Respecting the beliefs of others and not preaching at them they are wrong and your ways is right;
• Refusing to betray your moral values;
• Being open to listen to others sharing their beliefs and looking for the common ground between your belief and theirs;
• Letting go of the language of good and bad.  These carry too much weight and people can take them on that they are inherently bad.  Choose instead the language of helpful versus harmful;
• Let go of judging others.  If you must still judge someone then focus on their behavior and the words they speak.  We can’t truly know another persons thoughts and emotions.  That capability is outside of human hands, but rather in the hands of the Divine;

Many people think of setting boundaries as controlling another persons behavior.  On the surface I would agree with that assessment.  However boundaries have a much deeper context.

Lying within all of us is our own wounded inner child.  Face it, we are all broken in one way or another.  Boundaries are really about parenting that inner wounded child.

Confronting someone who has violated your boundary sounds like a good thing to do.  I would say that this is not always true.  In the real world if your child was being bullied by another child you may want to swoop in there and punish the bully.  The thing is that even bullies have parents.  Confrontation is not always the best solution.  Perhaps the best solution is to remove your child from the situation.  The same holds true as we set boundaries as an adult.  Our mature outer adult is defining what is and is not acceptable behavior and having an action plan that “if you do X” then “I will do Y”.  If you continue to speak to me in a loud and sarcastic way then I’m going to excuse myself and take myself (and my wounded inner child) out of harms way.

Confronting bad behavior can backfire.  I would posit that perhaps you are trying to teach the inner wounded child of the bully what is and is not acceptable behavior.  The thing is that inner wounded child could be running the show for the outer adult, and that outer adult may have real power that may be able to harm you (physically, emotionally, financially, etc).

Be a loving parent to your own inner wounded child.  Keep them safe.  Create an environment that is beneficial for their growth and healing.

Setting clear and mature boundaries will not only parent your own inner wounded child, but it will model good behavior and perhaps influence the inner wounded children of the people in your life.  You can’t control other people, but you can influence them.  Be the shining light of reason and serenity.  Be loving but firm and protect your inner childs environment.

Boundaries are things that put a limit on something else. They clearly define the minimum or maximum. Boundaries define what is inside and what is outside. They delineate what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Boundaries can be many things to many different people. In the context of life coaching boundaries are put into place to control the poor behavior of people and to protect one from the other.

Boundaries can be healthy or unhealthy. They can be lovingly firm or manipulative and controlling. Healthy boundaries are lovingly firm and should protect you from the poor behavior of others. Boundaries are not perfect, you may still get hurt, but hopefully the boundary has protected you from the gravest harm.

Boundaries should be firm yet flexible. You may have a firm boundary where people should not yell and curse in your presence, but it should be flexible enough to allow for a loud and profane interjection after your spouse hits their thumb with a hammer. It wouldn’t permit a non-stop cursing tirade after hammering the thumb, but an involuntary F* or S* after the hit would be understandable.

Creating and maintaining flexible and healthy boundaries can be very difficult but it is well worth the effort.

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About 10 years ago I was traveling a lot for work. I was having many long days with lots of “windshield time”, out to customers then back home. Ibuprofen and acetaminophen were not making a dent in my lower back pain. I needed something different. 

I decided to see a chiropractor to see if they could help. I was sitting in the exam room, the chiropractor came into the room, and asked “how is your posture?”.  I said I thought it was good. He said “stand up”. He glanced up and down and stated “Your posture is crap. Your head, your shoulders, and your hips need to be in be vertical alignment. If they are not, then you’ll be in pain.”

He helped my back pain. A few days later I had a personal epiphany. Some call it a “V8 moment” or a “blinding flash of the obvious”, but it hit me: I had a spiritual posture as well and if I wasn’t in spiritual alignment I would be in spiritual pain. What do I mean by spiritual alignment? I need to be rooted and aligned in the present moment.

I needed a checklist to check my spiritual posture. 

1. Where are my feet? What physical sensations am I currently experiencing? Hot/cold, heaviness/lightness, tightness/looseness in the body
2. Where is my heart? What emotions am I experiencing? The 7 base emotions are: sad, mad, glad, lonely, afraid, embarrassed, guilty.  If it’s not one of these it’s probably an emotion PLUS a judgment of how things should be. Also where in the body do I experience the emotion? For me anger manifests as tightness between my shoulder blades  
3. Where is my mind? What am I thinking about? Am I judging, planning, recalling, etc? Are my thoughts true, kind, necessary, humble? Am I caught in some sort of cognitive dissonance sometimes referred to as “stinking thinking”. 
4. Where is my spirit? Am I in acting from a place where I am part of a greater whole. We are all connected to each other.  Regardless of the question love is the answer.

Once you’ve checked your spiritual posture do your best to truly experience  the moment you are in.

Good luck!

That what we resists, persists.

– Zen koan

We make things more difficult for ourselves when we don’t accept the reality of the present moment. Perhaps you are doing a job you are not passionate about. Perhaps you are in a place where you don’t want to be.

Accept the present moment, then move on from there. Can you do aspects of the thing you are passionate about in your current job?  What can you do, in this moment, that brings you one step closer to your goals?

If your passion is art, then volunteer to create some PowerPoint presentation templates that are both artistic and business oriented. If you are passionate about health, then be the shining example of health (diet, exercise, work/life balance) in your everyday life.

You are at a certain place in your life.  Accept the reality of the present moment.  Use the present moment to connect with the present moment.  Accepting the present moment, warts and all, leaves room for us to grow and become something different.  When we fight reality we lose and we can’t change.  The only true refuge from the fear of the present moment is IN the present moment.  Live life fully and attentively.