Under New Management Life Coaching

OK, I’m acknowledging and admitting in public that I have depression. I choose not to say that I suffer from depression, as I believe suffering is a choice. Here I mean the Buddhist interpretation of suffering, the mental and emotional anguish that we put ourselves through when we don’t accept the present moment for what it is.

Pain is part of the human experience, suffering is optional.

I choose to say instead that I have depression, or that I sometimes experience the symptoms of depression. This simple change of the words I use to describe my condition allows for space for the possibility that someday I won’t have depression, or that I don’t experience the symptoms of depression.

Why all this talk about words? Well words have great power. If you read Genesis, God first spoke “Let there be light”, then light existed. Words are the first step of creation. The words I choose to use help create my reality.

Many of us view life as a series of metaphors. Some view life as a race, others view it as a game, still others see it as a constant struggle. What metaphor do I use to describe my depression?

As I mentioned in a prior post, humans are dualistic beings. I see myself as two beings in one:

1. a wounded inner child
2. a mature outer adult

My depression shows itself by a lack of energy, a lack of progress, and a lack of emotion. The swing is not moving.

The depression is a manifestation of my wounded inner child. It is sitting in the swing. It is petulent and drags its feet in the sand. Sometimes it goes so far as to pump its legs in the opposite direction to prevent progress.

My outer mature adult is smaller than the depression. I can’t give a single push to get the depression swinging. I have to time my pushes, and consistently apply positive actions in my life. I have to encourage the inner child to lift his feet. After that I can encourage the inner child to begin pumping his legs so swinging isn’t relying totally on my smaller outer self.

It’s not a perfect metaphor mind you, but it is fairly consistent with my experience with my depression. I am hopeful that consistently giving gentle pushes I will emerge from the depression, free and happy once again. This future is possible for you too.

Every behavior that I can think of could be useful in a particular circumstance.  It’s helpful to first acknowledge a particular behavior and then determine what higher level purpose it is trying to achieve.  The original behavior that the client used may not have gotten the desired response.  It’s important to broaden the view, defocus the eyes, and look at the bigger picture or the ecology of the interaction.  The client may have several different choices for behaviors that would work toward achieving the desired goal.  Step the client through the process of evaluating the alternatives and come up with the optimal choice for that particular situation.  A minor difference in the ecology of the location, the audience, or any other potential critical factor could move what is optimal to another of the alternatives.

I have found it helpful to drop the words good and bad from my vocabulary.  They have emotional baggage associated with them.  I choose instead to use the more neutral language of helpful and harmful behavior.  This takes the edge off of the hardness of good and bad.  Behaviors then morph into helpful or harmful behaviors which become easier to “try on” and see if they are appropriate given the current ecology.

Having a cavity drilled at the dentist’s hurts, but it is a helpful action.  Eating yet another doughnut feels good but is a harmful action if it is your intention to lose weight.

Examine your behaviors and what your higher level purpose is.

Normal is not a measure of right vs. wrong, nor is it a measure of good vs. bad.  Normal is a measure of statistics.  Typical, common, most likely.  A normal distribution is normally (that word again) called a “Bell curve”.

The four white slices in the diagram above represent the bulk or majority of the data within a sample.  I personally would call these slices normal as they represent the most likely to be seen.  The blue and red slices are called the outliers, and I often call them corner cases.  These corner cases come up in reality but a random sample of a larger population will only rarely be represented by blue or red.  The more likely outcome is somewhere in the white.

normal –  relating to, involving, or being a normal curve or normal distribution
Source: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/normal

Normally people are right handed.  Approximately 90% of the population at large are right handed.  Approximately 10% of the population are left handed.  Less than 1% of the population is ambidextrous, so ambidextrous people are the real corner cases.

Being different from the norm is not wrong nor bad.  It merely means different.  There are times where it is advantageous to be left handed, like left handed batters in major league baseball.  There are times where it is advantageous to be right handed, like when men have to pull the zipper up on their pants.  Again not bad nor wrong, merely different.

Embrace the differences between people.  Accept them as evidence of the randomness of nature, or the humor of God.  And you should do this if you are normal or not.

We all fall victim to stinking thinking at times.  What’s helpful is to think about your thinking.  What type of distortions, deletions, or generalizations are you making?  Here is a list of cognitive distortions you should be aware of.

•    All-or-nothing thinking – It’s extremely rare for something to be all one thing, or none of another.  The truth lies between these extremes.  Don’t get caught in the trap of “all”, “always”, “every”, “never”, “none”.  Become more nuanced in your thinking and your speech.

•    Overgeneralization – Making a broad statement about a group of things based upon a small sampling.  Look for counter examples.  Hesitate on making judgement.  If you are compelled to judge at least qualify it by saying “in my opinion…”.

•    Magical thinking – Believing in an impossible outcome, or in a sequence of unlikely things coincidentally happening.

•    Mental filter – We all have blind spots where we are unaware.  What do you automatically filter out?

•    Disqualifying the positive – Some people call it pessimism, others call it realism, but is focusing on the negative the best way to look at life?  It’s easy to find fault with perfection.  Example: Buddha is fat, Gandhi walks around half naked, and Jesus needs a haircut.  Let go of the negativity it is not helping you.

•    Jumping to conclusions – Making a judgement before all the facts are in.  These can come in 2 forms:

◦    Mind reading – Assuming you know a person’s thoughts or feelings from their behavior.  If someone turns red while talking, it would be mind reading to infer that the person was mad, as they could be embarrassed.  A better suggestion would be to notice the change in color and ask them what they are feeling or thinking.
◦    Fortune telling – Being inflexible in your expectations and to not be open to other possible outcomes.

•    Magnification and Minimisation – Is this really the worst thing that could ever happen to you?  Don’t over dramatize the happenings in your life.  Observe the world as it is and don’t over or under exaggerate the situation.  This also comes in a special form:

◦    Catastrophizing – Expecting the worst possible result.

•    Emotional reasoning – Identifying yourself as being one with your current feeling.  Example: I am depressed, as opposed to I’m feeling sad and depressed right now.

•    Shoulding – Believing that we are obligated to perform a set of tasks even if they go counter to what would make us happy.

•    Labeling and mislabeling – Labeling things is part of the human experience.  We all use labels to create a “shorthand” way of thinking of things and people.  Labels are limiting only if we buy into them completely.  Labels themselves are not bad in and of themselves, it is our attachment to and our belief in these labels that is bad.  We are more than our labels.  Imagine a student and a teacher crossing a low wooden bridge over a pool of still water.  The teacher can point to her reflection and say “that is me, but I am not it”.

•    Personalization – Taking things personally and believing that things “happened to you”.  Things happened.  Your thoughts about those happenings are what you do, and determine how you feel.

•    Fallacy of fairness – Many of us believe that life should be fair.  Life isn’t fair, life is what life is.  Let go of attachment to the expectation of fairness.  You can hold fairness as an ideal and strive for it in yourself but let go of this expectation in others.  Be delighted when others are fair, but don’t become bitter when they are not.

•    Blaming – Holding other people responsible for my feelings and my situation.  Life is 10% what happened to me, and 90% of my relation to and reaction to the situation.  Take your power back and don’t blame others.

•    Fallacy of permanence – The only constant in life is change.  Wherever you are and whatever you are feeling will pass.  Like the old proverb “This too shall pass.”  Let go of your attachment to the desire of things staying the same.

•    Always being right – There is another old adage about this: “Is it better to be right, or to be happy?”.  I agree in a general sense that truth is better than falsehood, but it is only one measure.  Have a more balanced metric of the following 4 questions: 1) is it true? 2) is it kind? 3) is it necessary? 4) is it humble?  If you answer no to any of these questions then keep your comments and your help to yourself.  Once you practice this with your speech and your actions you will begin to see these questions need to apply to your thoughts as well.

Are you ready to let go of your attachment to your cognitive distortions?  I hope so.

I am not a doctor nor do I play one on TV.  If a doctor has prescribed anti-anxiety medication then by all means follow the doctor’s orders.

Anxiety can be strong and difficult to combat.  In a prior post I told you the 7 things you can consume to help anxiety.  Here are some actions you can take to help reduce anxiety.  Be brave and act!

1. Accept and let go.  Often what we resist persists.  If you fight and argue with reality you will lose 100% of the time.  Accept your present moment.  You can have a positive intention for a better future moment, but you have to accept what is right here and now.
2. Acknowledge anxiety and recognize it will pass.  Accept the reality of the present moment that you are anxious, but this moment will pass.
3. Get regular and adequate sleep.  The brain needs adequate sleep to refresh itself.  If you are not getting enough sleep you are making your brain work harder than it needs to.  Don’t oversleep though.  Most people can thrive on 7-9 hours of sleep a night.  This may not be realistic for all of you, but I would suggest you at least give it a try.
4. Breathe slowly and deeply.  When we breathe rapidly and shallowly our emotions follow our physiology: shallow and rapid is the flight or fight response.  By breathing slowly and deeply you will be more calm.
5. Practice gratitude.  Be grateful for the things you already have in your life.  Be grateful for living another day.  Be grateful the sun rose this morning.  When you are grateful your perception changes dramatically.
6. Progressive muscle relaxation.  Often when we are tense and anxious we hold that anxiety as tightness in our bodies.  Change your physiology and your emotions will change.
7. Yoga.  An ancient practice that connects the mind and the body.  Yoga and its associated poses requires focus, which brings you into the present moment.
8. Exercise.  Getting your heart rate up will improve your overall health.  Exercise releases powerful neurotransmitters which can change how your brain functions.
9. Change your focus to what is right in front of you.  When the weight of the world are on our shoulders, when we carry the regrets of yesterday, and the worries of tomorrow it is too much for most people to bear.  Let that go and focus on the here and now.
10. Question your worries and anxieties.  We often fall into traps of stinking thinking.  Question your thoughts as your thoughts may be your own worst enemy.
11. Practice mindfulness. Typically through meditation but more importantly to focus on the present moment and to be fully engaged in it.
12. Declutter your home and your place of work.  A cluttered physical environment can create comparable clutter in your mind. You will be amazed what a clean environment will do for you!

And there you go.  I hope this helps you.  Again I am not an expert on anxiety, I merely share what has worked for me.  Try each of these on for size and see if they are true for you as well.