Thursday, August 6, 2009 by admin.

I’m going through some real struggles in my life right now.  My depression is really kicking my butt right now and I’m thirsty.  I don’t plan on picking up a drink, but the urge is definitely there.

I attended a meeting this morning and we read from “As Bill Sees It”, reading #199.  It talked about humility and its opposite arrogance.  I realize that I can be arrogant even when I’m down on myself.  Self deprecation is a form of negative pride — that I’m unworthy of love, even self-love.

I’ve been abstinent a long time, but that is not the same as sobriety.  Sobriety for me is being happy joyous and free — true peace of mind.  I feel that true sobriety (as I define it) is dependent upon a few “keystones” that are critical to the structure.  They are: humility, acceptance, and gratitude.

When I pray in the morning for humility I have a chance.  If instead I pray for strength I screw it up.  My addictive mind can twist that into a spot of ego and go wild with it.  Also when I fail, and I will fail in some manner as I’m human, I can use that failure as yet another way of bludgeoning myself.  If instead I pray for humility I don’t have to do anything.  There isn’t an expectation of success, just an expectation of being.

For acceptance I really need to read and reread the passage from AA Big Book begining on page 417 of the 4th edition (449 of the 3rd edition).

For gratitude I just need to practice it and keep a gratitude journal. I need that “attitude of gratitude”.

I hope and pray that you can have all 3 keystones today!

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Tuesday, July 28, 2009 by admin.

I’m sitting here working from home having a difficult time getting started and staying focused.  I’m going through some difficult times in my life and having a hard time staying focused.  As I wrote that I’m asking myself, “Am I really going through a difficult time, or am I making it difficult?”.  Well I think that I’m making it difficult.All that I need to do is to turn things over.  Surrender completely to the God of my understanding.  To let go of the burden of self.  When I do those things, difficulty slips away.  Don’t get me wrong: pain, sadness are still there, but no longer are they difficult.  They just are. They no longer entrap me, when I stay focused through willpower on the present moment.When I’m focused through willpower on the present moment, I’m committing to the reality of NOW.  Now is the only time there is.  Passion and motivation are activated by commitment so here goes…Thanks for reading all!

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Friday, July 24, 2009 by admin.

I’m sitting here in my anger, letting it control me. I know that this is not the way but yet I let the anger consume me. It doesn’t matter if I know another way if I don’t act in that way. It’s as though I know the benefits of washing my hands after going to a public wash room but I’m adamant that I’m not going to change my ways.

But what do I do? Do I think that my way is the right way, or should I do the healthy thing? Should I hold onto anger, poisoning myself in the process? Or instead should I learn new ways, letting go, embracing the present moment? I know that I can’t negate or stuff my anger, but I can respect it without being consumed by it.

I need to pray for those things or people that bring up anger within me. Or rather I WANT to pray for those things and people. When I hear the word NEED, I fight against it, even if it is the most healthy thing for me.

I hope and pray that I can let go of anger. That I can pray and mean it.

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Thursday, July 23, 2009 by admin.

As many of you will find out I tend to be a deep thinker.  I’ve felt down and defeated much of my life.  The opposite of defeat is NOT victory but surrender.  Surrender is the key to peace, serenity and sobriety.

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