Five Categories of Boundaries

OK I’ve mentioned two types of Boundaries: protective and containment boundaries. See my post Two types of boundaries for a further discussion on protective vs. containment boundaries.  Is there another way to look at boundaries?  Of course there is.

I find it helpful to have a systemic way of looking at things. One system that I return to again and again is a five level hierarchy to categorize aspects of my life. Starting from the bottom and working our way up the levels are:

• physical
• emotional
• mental
• social
• spiritual

I will share other topics on these 5 levels in the future, but let’s get back to boundaries.

Physical Boundaries

Having appropriate and mature boundaries (protective and containment) regarding your physical being.  Some examples include:

• Not being touched inappropriately;
• Having private alone time;
• Personal items not being used without permission;
• Personal space;
• Respecting locked doors to private space;
• No extremely loud noises;

Emotional Boundaries

Having appropriate and mature boundaries (protective and containment) regarding your emotional being.  Some examples include:

• Being in tune with the situation and having appropriate response (no flying off the handle);
• Not being told we shouldn’t feel a certain way, and saying that to others;
• Denying your feelings;
• Being given time (yourself and others) to process emotions;
• Labeling your emotion.  The 7 base emotions are: sad, mad, glad, lonely, afraid, embarrassed, and guilty.  If it’s not one of those, chances are it’s an emotion PLUS a thought;
• Scanning your body to see where that emotions expresses itself in your body;
• Having the courage to experience and sense emotions without acting out from that intense place;
• No blaming others for your emotions which includes no talk of “you made me feel”;
• Taking ownership and responsibility for your own emotions;

Mental Boundaries

Having appropriate and mature boundaries (protective and containment) regarding your mental being.  Some examples include:

• Not being called stupid;
• Not being told your thoughts don’t matter;
• No lying. Lying could be a commission – telling an untruth, or via omission – not telling the whole truth;
• Listening with an open mind;
• Not getting stuck in “stinking thinking” (Ego, Greed, Aversion, Delusion);
• Holding onto your opinions and beliefs;
• Respecting another persons opinions and beliefs;
• If you are getting stuck in “stinking thinking” ask yourself 4 questions before you speak or act.  Is it TRUE? Is it KIND? Is it NECESSARY? Is it HUMBLE?  If the answer is NO to any of these questions then you shouldn’t speak or act;
• If you must disagree with someone, then disagree with their line of thought, but not with them;

Social Boundaries

Having appropriate and mature boundaries (protective and containment) regarding your social being.  Some examples include:

• Not condoning or participating in gossip;
• Not lying or manipulating;
• Following through on your commitments;
• Being respectful of people’s time;
• Having good manners;
• Not accepting or condoning toxic behavior.  Separating yourself from toxic people;
• Speak directly to others, no triangulation.  An example of triangulation: A has issue with B, A doesn’t talk to B, A talks to C, and A is hoping that C will talk to B on their behalf;
• Following through with your plans if others don’t show up.  Allowing others to go through with their plans if you don’t show up;

Spiritual Boundaries

Having appropriate and mature boundaries (protective and containment) regarding your spiritual being.  Spirituality is different than religion. See my blog post Religion vs. Spirituality on a discussion of religion vs. spirituality.  Some examples include:

• Holding on to your beliefs;
• Respecting the beliefs of others and not preaching at them they are wrong and your ways is right;
• Refusing to betray your moral values;
• Being open to listen to others sharing their beliefs and looking for the common ground between your belief and theirs;
• Letting go of the language of good and bad.  These carry too much weight and people can take them on that they are inherently bad.  Choose instead the language of helpful versus harmful;
• Let go of judging others.  If you must still judge someone then focus on their behavior and the words they speak.  We can’t truly know another persons thoughts and emotions.  That capability is outside of human hands, but rather in the hands of the Divine;